What i learned when i found out i had Lupus

“You’re born, you live, and then you die.” I can’t quite remember where I heard or read that line many years ago but it has stuck with me ever since. I’ve realized it’s a simple definition of life and how it pans out for each of us. And then there’s this one that is used time and time again to inspire us when we’re frustrated with how our lives are going: “It’s not about the destination but the journey.” Every story we read or hear always gives us something to think about—good, bad, or whatever it is that will make us realize things. I don’t think I’m the most special person in the world or that the story of my life will excite everyone but I know I can inspire people by sharing my story and realizations.

BATTLE FOR SURVIVAL

Earlier this year, I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (SLE)or simply Lupus. It’s a chronic autoimmune illness where the immune system mistakenly attacks the body’s healthy tissues. It’s genetic and has no cure. Almost every internal organ in my body was infected and I almost had to go through an operation to get the water out of my lungs. And I had aplastic anemia, too. My bone marrow was not producing blood cells anymore and I had to go through a bone marrow aspiration and 10 blood transfusions. I was 18 then. Whenever I tell people what I have, that I’m only the fifth survivor of SLE with aplastic anemia in the country, especially the ones who don’t know anything about lupus, they’d freeze right in front of me, not knowing what to say or feel. I see shock, fear, pity, and sometimes sadness.

MY LIFE BEFORE

I’ve been balancing my studies with modeling since I was five years old. The past two years have been amazing and the peak of my so-called little career. It gave me a thrill and excitement that I wanted to do more while I’m still considered relevant.

So there I was, a freshman in college, taking up Organizational Communication in De La Salle University-Manila, and I just won as the very first My Veet Girl Ambassador in the world (and I still am!) Part of my prize was to be the very first participant in the reality show I Am Meg, Season 2, a search for the Meg magazine’s ambassador.

I juggled photoshoots, castings, going to events and parties, hosting events, judging pageants (even though I’ve never joined any), and speaking engagements on personality development while continuing with my studies, hanging out with my friends, and spending time with my boyfriend and family. I was commuting from Cainta to Taft and back again, every day. There were times when my body almost gave up on me but I kept going… until all took a toll on me.

THE NEWS THAT CHANGED MY LIFE

Last December, everything changed.While on my way to school, I fainted on a flight of stairs at a strain station and was brought to the nearest hospital. They thought it was pneumonia, but after a week, I still wasn’t feeling better.

It took only one look for a nephrologist to decide I needed to be checked for lupus. I wished so hard it was something else—I hoped it was tuberculosis—because I had once stumbled upon an article on lupus and knew that it was a really serious illnesses.

I was in the hospital for two months. I missed an entire term in school. But when I was allowed to go home, I got excited. I knew I was going to survive. Little did I know, though, that the painful wasn’t over yet.

I found out I lost 20 pounds when I got home. My hair was so thin I could barely recognize myself. With a rash that covered my entire face, I felt so ugly. It broke my mom’s heart to see me that way. She was the toughest woman I know and I rarely see her cry but she cried for me in silence. Eventually, my hair fell off especially when I started chemotherapy.

I had always been confident with what I had but seeing myself every day in the mirror made me tear up. It felt like I would never be okay again and I would never be the same. I would not be able to model again. My mom kept convincing me to have my hair cut off because new, healthy hair would eventually grow. It took awhile before I agreed and my did regrow. But I would be completely honest: I was not as confident then or as high a self-esteem as before. And I didn’t think, I would be again.

It was like being reborn and you become a completely different person. In a way, I have lost myself and am just, right now, piecing myself back together. It’s slow but I know I’m on my way there. I see life now with so much clarity and with depth. I am also stronger now.

LEARNING TO LIVE AGAIN

LEARNING TO LIVE AGAIN

Last month, I was invited to be the guest speaker on women empowerment and share my story in San Beda College Mendiola. One student asked me, “How can someone so scarred still be so beautiful?” and I grappled for an answer. I was touched someone would think that I was still ”beautiful” despite everything that had happened to me. In the months of my recovery and getting my old body back, I couldn’t help but lock myself and cry in that little corner of my room. I cried for what I had lost, for an illness that I knew would be with me in my lifetime, for the things that I would not be able to do now.

But then I realized that I am still me, only stronger, better. If I didn’t let it all out, I wouldn’t be as happy as I am right now. And I wouldn’t be where I am now if it weren’t for the people who helped me. It comforts me that the people I love still look at me the same way, without any pity. They still treat me like they always do. I am grateful to them for not making me feel any less.

My time at the hospital was the worst. Yet, it was also the best time of my life. Worst, because I went through every physical and emotional pain I could ever imagine, and best, because I have never felt more loved. It’s true what other people who went through the same thing say that you will see who your true friends are and those who truly care when you’re at your weakest. Not everyone I knew and loved went to the hospital to visit me but they made me feel their love in other ways. I never thought strangers would care but they did. Now, they’re friends I will always be thankful for.

I feel so much better now. Of course, I still need to take care of myself, but I’m just really grateful I don’t feel pain anymore. When I realized that I won’t be graduating on time, my heart broke. But now, I realized that those months of resting are what I needed to refresh and prepare my mind for something better. I am blessed to be given another chance at studying. I’m now finishing my last five terms in school.

SUPPORT SYSTEM

My journey was painful and difficult but it was the people who supported me that made everything bearable. To the physicians, who were the best in their respective fields and who committed in keeping me alive—my pediatric nephrologist Dr. Dolores Bonzon, pediatric infectious specialist Dr. Lulu Bravo, neurologist Dr. Marilyn Tan, hematologist Dr. Eufrosina Melendres, and pediatric rheumatologist Dr. Leonila Dans—I owe you all my life. To the residential doctors who worked ’round the clock and checked up on me every day—Dr. Anya Hocson, Dr. Raisa Paulino, Dr. Desiree Argana, Dr. Jenina Maree, Dr. Mary Grace Porquez, and Dr. Zainab Bint Camar—I love you all with my heart. To the nurses at Manila Doctors Hospital, thank you for keeping me and my mom sane during our long stay. Somehow, you made the hospital feel like home. To the janitors and other staff, thank you for all your help. To the guards who logged all of the people who visited me (They came to say hi when they noticed my room kept getting at least 30 visitors a day in their log book), thank you for your patience and compassion. To the teachers and professors who showed concern and compassion, especially my literature professor Jo Almanzor, thank you for proving that educators can love their students as much as their own parents. To the DLSU community, thank you, too. Nothing compares to being a Lasallian.

To Brian Guiang, who I barely talked to in my literature class but made that famous page to help me get donations and help in every possible way, thank you. I love you like a brother and owe you my life, too. Thank you to my relatives and friends of our family who gave their support in every way possible. We have never felt more loved. To my cousins Kuya Mark Gregory and Ate Jenny, thank you for coming all the way here to help my mom take care of me. You guys never gave up on me and  on my silly requests. To my friends, old and new, you are all amazing beyond words. Thank you for everything.

To Arman, my geeky boyfriend, thank you for your kind and genuine love and unwavering support. Thank you for helping me keep my feet on the ground.  Thank you for being patient. Even though we’re different in so many ways, we complement each other. We’ve known each other half of our lives and things are just starting to get better.

Mom, dad and my sister Bianca, you guys are my rock. No words can express how much I love you. You’ve been there for everything no matter what. I can never thank you enough.

And to our Almighty Father, thank you for the gift of life. Even though this is a big challenge, one of the biggest You’ve made me face so far, You faced it with me and never let me go. I’m amazed I never questioned You. My faith in You is stronger than ever. I’m fulfilling this purpose head on.

To everyone who’s going through the same thing and just anyone who’s reading this, I can’t promise that life will be as easy or as hard as what I went through but here’s a piece of advice: Never give up on life. More important, never give up on yourself. It takes time and patience to heal all wounds. Love yourself first and everyone around you will love you the way you deserve to be loved. You are all you have.